6 posts tagged “son”
It's been a while since I wrote that post about my son getting in trouble with the law for graffiti. Things are so much different (and better) now!
He has been using his black book and markers and gave up spray paint, thank goodness! He is working on his art a lot more. He has been seeing an informal probation officer (who I wish understood and could help, but alas... she doesn't). Besides that, he applied at Job Corps and was accepted. He's been going for 2 weeks now, and he's doing great. He's getting up on his own every morning, and he's been able to stay all day every day except 2 when I was in the hospital. (FYI, he has high-functioning autism, so in most school settings he can't handle a full day). He just got his uniform yesterday and his bank account they helped him open, and he's really excited.
I'm sure most of you have heard bad things about Job Corps, but it is a really great program. Did you know that it is set up so that each student progresses at their own pace? That relieves the pressure of having to keep up and meet deadlines for kids who have trouble with that in most schools. It makes a huge difference. They also provide medical and dental services, driver's education, GED prep for kids who don't have their diploma, instruction in applying for a job and going to interviews, life skills, managing money, and experience in working as a team and meeting the requirements as if they were going to a job every day. They have really impressed me a lot.
So right now it is good to be a parent :)
8 a.m. this morning, the doorbell rings. I thought maybe it was my brother because he's an early bird like that. No such luck. It was a police officer here to question my son about graffiti.
He has been lectured so many times about not damaging other people's property and keeping it on paper. He's been punished over and over, but I just can't get through to him. He thinks he's getting "rep". Well, come on, we live in Maine for Pete's sake. There is no rep to get in Maine. Besides punishing him, I've also bought him some trucker hats to paint on so he can start his own business. He's been working on his own Cafe Press store too.
That will have to wait though. He's going to get a summons for his graffiti. He was summonsed last month for the same thing.
Side Note: Did you know that when teenagers under 18 get in trouble (at least in Maine), they don't get arrested? They're just handed a piece of paper with a court date on it and then a couple weeks later the juvenile corrections worker calls and sets up an appointment to figure out what to do: Pay a fine, pay restitution, or do community service. If it isn't too serious, they don't even have to go to the court date before the judge. What is this teaching anyone? I want my son booked, damn it. I want them to take his fingerprints, get a mug shot of him, and throw him behind bars for a day or two. Now THAT would teach him a lesson.
I've been volunteering with him at a local food pantry as he works off his community service. I'm happy he is being of service to someone, but it isn't teaching him a damn thing, obviously. He couldn't even work an hour without complaining.
I don't want this to reflect poorly on my family either. We're not like that. Heck, we don't even speed, let alone break the law. I am so angry that he thinks it's okay to deface property.
It's so sad. He is really a talented artist, but he's just throwing his life away right now. Hopefully something will happen soon
Sometimes I don't like being a parent.
My son's new graffiti toon:
Every day I have to walk a very fine line with my almost 17-year-old son. It's the line between supporting my child's independence and self-esteem versus wanting to give him the help I think he needs (in other words, keeping my big mouth shut).
My son has trouble with conceptual thinking and logic because of his autism. But on the other hand, he wants very badly to become independent. He also thinks he has the ability to do anything, even if he's never tried it before.
Unfortunately, the conceptual and logical thinking difficulties get in the way. Which is why I don't have any speakers connected to my computer right now. He thought one looked loose and tried to fix it. Yeah, didn't work. But on the other hand, he was able to fix the belt on the riding lawnmower.
He can't tell when someone is joking with him, making fun of him, or outright using him. He once took a $50 bill from my purse so he could buy cookies for all of his friends... in junior high.
Unfortunately, because he is so accepting of people, most of his friends are troubled kids. I think some of them just appreciate the fact that he accepts them, but others are out to use him. Last summer, he went for a bike ride with a friend. He had a good time, up until his "friend" somehow removed the tires from his bike and left him stranded. Thank goodness I got the kid a cell phone. But the most difficult part of this was trying to explain to him that his friend wasn't being nice leaving him there with a broken bike. He wants so badly to fit in that he always gives other kids the benefit of the doubt, and I end up being the bad guy because I have to try to get him to understand what happened.
The other problem is not understanding consequences of his actions. He rides his bike so far that he's too overheated and tired to ride home. I mean 8-10 miles, sometimes into the next town. We've had talk after talk about this. The last time he did it, I told him that it was his responsibility to get home. Silly me. I forgot he takes everything I say literally. I meant that he would have to ride his bike home. He took that to mean don't call me for a ride home, so he asked some neighbors of a friend of his for a ride home. Yes, strangers. He lost his bike privileges and was grounded. We sat down and had another long talk after that one. He tried to understand, but he really doesn't get it. He has never met strangers who are not nice, so to him they are all nice.
Now we're facing even scarier situations. His friends can drive. He's getting older, almost an adult. He wants to do the things his friends are doing, like getting a job, going to college, etc.
I am facing difficult choices in the near future. The reality of my son's disability is that he is barely capable of taking care of himself, let alone working. But on the other hand, I have to support his self-esteem and independence.
We've talked about different community programs that are available for teens with disabilities, but he isn't interested. Maybe with time, I don't know.
Eventually I will have to decide whether I need to file for guardianship of him. That way at least I would know that his health is taken care of, as well as his bills and legal issues.
It sure ain't easy.
My 16-year-old son is in his room right now... drum roll please... mopping the floor! He already brought out enough dishes to fill the dishwasher (literally - I just went out and bought new bowls because I assumed the boys broke them or something). I didn't mention a word to him about cleaning his room. He's doing it on his own.
I am a happy mom.
It's only been about 3 weeks since New Son (NS) has been living with us. If I could stop all contact with his family and family friends, things would go so much smoother. And if I could get him and Son #2 to stop getting so serious about girls, that would make things a lot easier too, but that isn't going to happen. I'm not that naive.
NS has started opening up to us about his past. Poor kid. He's been through some hellish things. What he's told us has helped us understand some of his quirks better. I wish I could go back in time and protect him when he was little. He's so smart and such a good kid. If he wasn't, he would definitely be on drugs at least.
I can't go into detail for obvious reasons, but suffice it to say that a normal human being couldn't fathom treating a child the way NS was treated his entire life. We keep trying to reassure him that he is safe and I will never kick him out, but I still don't think he totally believes me yet. He's like a scared puppy. When any conflict happens, he wants to run. We're working on that now, and it is so hard. I have to stop him at the door, try to calm him down, and hope he'll listen and try to get control of himself. So far so good. Only happened twice so far, but I've been able to talk him down. He did have an incident with punching the wall and bruised his knuckle pretty good. Thought it was broken at first, but he's able to move all of his fingers and it didn't turn black.
Today NS and Son #2 are having their girlfriends over to watch a movie. Wish me luck keeping my sanity.
